| = a little more work | ion amariutei [23.Feb.05 16:25] |
| a poem with a *key*, well structured but a bit long. applying the same formula on too many stanzas gets a bit tired, particularly in the fourth, fifth and sixth. 4. The silence we drank But never intoxicated us -incomplete complaints. *intoxicated* has too many syllables, try something shorter, like *but never got high*. *incomplete complaints* doesn't relate to well to the previous two verses 5. The missing we gone through But never said -incomplete suffocation. *missing* is an adjective, but here is being used as an adverb. again, *incomplete suffocation* seems out of place in context. i think this whole stanza could be *missing* :) 6. The kisses we longed But never had -incomplete destinies. i think the erotic tension exists in the poem anyway, is not necessary to make it explicit. in fact, it's probably more effective if you keep it just in subtext i think a little more work on the last stanza might turn this into a good poem The incomplete everything We thrive to complete -life in completion. the root *complete* appears three times (incomplete, complete, completion), is cumbersome | |
| = still incomplete | raj thampi [27.Feb.05 12:17] |
| = a little more work a poem with a *key*, well structured but a bit long. applying the same formula on too many stanzas gets a bit tired, particularly in the fourth, fifth and sixth. 4. The silence we drank But never intoxicated us -incomplete complaints. *intoxicated* has too many syllables, try something shorter, like *but never got high*. *incomplete complaints* doesn't relate to well to the previous two verses (While I was writing, the idea in my mind was there are many occasions in our lives while we protest some disappointments without words, by withdrawing into the safe shell of a silence, and the complaints we want to scream out rest incomplete) 5. The missing we gone through But never said -incomplete suffocation. *missing* is an adjective, but here is being used as an adverb. again, *incomplete suffocation* seems out of place in context. i think this whole stanza could be *missing* :) (There may be rules to write a poem, I am helpless, I write as those feelings starts rolling into my mind, or my knowledge about such usages is limited, I greatly appreciate your suggestions) 6. The kisses we longed But never had -incomplete destinies. i think the erotic tension exists in the poem anyway, is not necessary to make it explicit. in fact, it's probably more effective if you keep it just in subtext i think a little more work on the last stanza might turn this into a good poem (Love, I strongly believe all of us go through the beautiful feelings of distances, unsuccessful love minimum once…I have longed for a kiss, which I was not cherished, my destinies are incomplete…hence…and there were nothing erotic in my mind while I pen down above few words, my feelings) The incomplete everything We thrive to complete -life in completion. the root *complete* appears three times (incomplete, complete, completion), is cumbersome (Awkward it may sound, but the whole idea is, we all spend most of our lives to make few incomplete things complete. By the end of life (life in completion) still we leave many things we thrive to complete in incompletion) | |
| + life | Anca Anghel Novac [06.Mar.05 03:58] |
| What a waste... to want to complete the incompleteness. But we find out about this much later, when is too late, or never when it doesn’t matter. Life must be this endless running... I like the last part, I must say. | |
| = It continues | raj thampi [06.Mar.05 09:19] |
| We all do thrive, we all do struggle and we all do die with incomplete so many things. Mercy Anca | |