| = quite daring, despite some mistakes | Maria Schuler [11.Apr.05 19:57] |
| You have managed to take a well overdiscussed subject-the "black & white tiles of the so familiar battle ground/chessboard of life"-in such a simple and such a "you" way that it didn't bore me at all! Instead, the simplicity intrigued me, building up the climax til the last stanza where I was able to remark a surprisingly abrupt image (that one where the black bishop "takes matters into his own hands"-thehe). I have read a few of your other poems, and again-although here it is not so obvious-I see the same, lets say, "flaw": you do not think/feel your poems in english, they seem translated and thus a bit artificial from a language point of view. This poem, in comparisson with your others, does show a lot of improvement. I do have some spelling and grammar mistakes to point out: in the 3rd line of the 2nd stanza you have misspelled "as peons"(it's "pawns"); 3rd line of the 3rd stanza there's the "untill" with only one "l" and about the 3rd stanza I would also strongly advise you to place the verb "are left" (you must have overlooked the "left" by accident I guess, or, otherwise, this must be one of those "think-in-romanian-and-then-translate" kind of misstakes) after "only three words"-this way it would sound more english; 4th stanza->I'm not quite sure if you wanted to "lighten the clouds or to light them", but I'm pretty sure there was a "the" befor the noun "Sun" you forgot to write; 5th stanza-> there is no noun "ephemerality", only the adjective "ephemeral" and the noun "ephemera" (whose meaning wouldn't fit this context anyway), so I sugest using the noun "evanescence" to replace your "ephemerality"; 6th stanza->again "untill" misspelled. Overlooking those small spelling mistakes, this poem does show quite a lot of improvement in your imagery and is overall a simple, yet ingenious concept. I am tempted to give a star...maybe after you have made the necessary adjustements I may come back with a star! *smiles* | |
| + ok back with the star | Maria Schuler [27.Apr.05 22:22] |
| i see the "pwans" is back in his place, i do like the poem and its images. let us not prelong the waiting. here's your promissed star. :D | |
| = we make mistakes | raj thampi [01.May.05 20:38] |
| (you must have overlooked the "left" by accident I guess, or, otherwise, this must be one of those "think-in-romanian-and-then-translate" kind of misstakes) | |
| = just to conclude :) | raj thampi [02.May.05 08:13] |
| "here's your promissed (promised) star. :D" | |
| = not missing the star... | Maria Schuler [24.May.05 23:46] |
| so it wasn't missed? darn... | |