| = | Zao [04.Jun.05 01:48] |
| This piece flows nicely and the style is pleasant. I think in some places you're overusing the comma. For example: "And so on, each one takes his stomach out, like a sepia, and invokes passionately, for himself (hoping in the magic of the moment), the formula of his favorite nourishment." would go better as: "And so on, each one takes his stomach out like a sepia, and invokes passionately for himself (hoping in the magic of the moment) the formula of his favorite nourishment." This text is quite poetic and communicates a state of mind rather than a story. Which is not bad; yet, I think you could elaborate better on this idea and tell us more about 'what happens' there. Good luck! | |