| = . | Veronica Valeanu [05.Jul.10 10:22] |
| there are no typos or mistakes here however smth is not quite all right: you've made a hurly-burly of everything: the theme is not a high stake in itself, moreover it tells nothing from a poetic point of view the 2nd part is totally distorted: She winks at freedom- ?? As he sees opportunity to weaken- why is this imp? it's more of an account of things to come, a useless one Crippling her soul In an encaged home. - a total cliche. things like this have been said in poetry billions of times before Making her want to taste more.- not poetry, not narrative, not explicative, this is an impossible sequence (it can't be used in order to be believed and be compatible with a text) More than before, Less than regret,- contradictory and useless. what is less than regret? and why? how does it help the reader? Smiling at the devil's table Won't make you win the ace Cause the jokerman will barry The feeling somewhere down deep Without a single trece - this is not fair. you inserted your own voice here as explanation, seeing that the text can't make out for itself all in all- i'm saying this for you to learn from your own mistakes - what was your intention in the beginning was not at all achieved in reality if you look from the other side of the barricade | |