| = keep on|
|well, a very courageous poem|
there is a little creak in the hinges, i mean in the insistence of the leitmotif, but all in all i think it opens the way for more texts with message and force. I want to encourage you to concentrate on that. Here, there are parts when you "do too much": e.g., you mix pompei with igloos. Where there is a contrast to emphasize, avoid doing it by using independent images and sewing them together.
also, take care of the agglomeration of too much obvious rhymes: soon-moon-noon. you know, you can use the rhyme only here and there, to steal the reader into smth.
and from now on keep using the trance you're having here because it is good.
| = .|
|i mean avoid using|
| = .|
Corina Gina Papouis
|I enjoyed the way you kept a very good balance between meaning and rhyming, as most people who try this style would struggle with either one or the other. The theme is the oldest one in the book, however, we all have a good go at it :p and I'm quite positive that we shall see more of your work here.|