| = Input|
James A Williams
|Hi Nica. I think that with a little work this could be posted. I think it an interesting exploration of a battle within ones self and only (I think,) some poor grammar and spelling errors keep it in the 'workshop.'|
"I hear it ring in my mind, but somehow the world inside stays shunt. why you always hide?"
I would rewrite it something like this:
"I hear the ring in my mind, but somehow the world inside remains shut. Why do you hide?"
I wish you… rather than 'Wish you…'
"Trying to resurrect your cold blooded heart seems at times in vain."
Change to something like…
To resurrect your cold heart is vain.
I will be happy to give you more input if you're interested.
| = thanks|
|thanks james for the comment. I corrected. I've been absent quite a while on this website, so only now I saw your comment. but the text sounds much better this way, thanks|