Members comments:

 =  C
Veronica Vãleanu
[15.Sep.12 09:03]
please correct here:
-had no mirrors
-a mad cricket' s song

this sentence is not at all in the best shape: [i ran in the street but the clouds were not coming to be able to run barefooted to fall like a discharged lightning in the gutter’s mud]
and here [ can speak the mites’ language]

why don't you cut the entire text into lines? it would lend a more dynamic structure and shape, closer to a poetic one.


 =  Veronica,
Cristina-Monica Moldoveanu
[15.Sep.12 11:06]
I corrected those errors that you signaled to me, thanks, I was to tired yesterday to see them. But I don't know what to do with the "can speak the mites' language".
In the first sentence with crickets I wrote crickets' song because I wanted to express the plural. But it is all right with the singular.
I agree that this poem could be written in a more traditional form, but this was my choice for it.

 =  And
Cristina-Monica Moldoveanu
[15.Sep.12 11:32]
Again I am asking you if it is correct with the " a mad crickets' song", I wanted to emphasize the fact that many crickets were singing. I don't know. The genitive plural is difficult.

 =  C
Veronica Vãleanu
[18.Sep.12 19:35]
I guess it would be more natural to say [the mad crickets' song]
it's just [barefoot]
[language of the mites]
[the mud of the gutter]

I was thinking why you insisted on this form, instead of making cuts into the text. you didn't mention much about it, but now I think you were right. the text really looks like a piece of wood affected by some kind of decay, whereas at a larger zoom there is another micro, half-hidden life, cutting little gutters into the larger environment.
in this perspective, I find the suspension dots unnecessary, perhaps too emphatic
and the last line [i understood late that between me and the moon there is only one acrobatic vault in a spider’s web ... much too late ...] too explanatory.

it's your call. I know it's always more difficult to cut then to add something

 =  VV
Cristina-Monica Moldoveanu
[19.Sep.12 16:40]
Thanks again for your intervention.
I think "barefooted" is what I needed to say, the emphasis is on the adjectival value and on the action, the fact that I took my shoes off in the rain. "Barefooted" is also correct as an adverb.
I didn't use the article "the" about the crickets because it is not defined, it is a comparison with crickets that were not mentioned before in my poem. I will not change that.
But I will follow your suggestion changing "the mites' language" into "language of the mites". I am not sure about that mud, but there also I will follow your suggestion for the time being changing "the gutter's mud" into "the mud of the gutters"

I agree that the suspension dots seems unnecessary, but reading it without it is not what I needed to express. Here in this poem I wanted to suggest the heartbeats, the breathtaking adventure from inside outside in the first stanza and also from inside outside in the second. The last line is maybe explanatory, it is the conclusion I agree emphatic, but it is what I wanted in the end. For me it is an experimental prose poem.

 =  P.S.
Cristina-Monica Moldoveanu
[19.Sep.12 16:50]
I believe that "language of mites" works better without the "the", which would have been also a repetition. It is like saying language of animals or language of flowers.

No anonymous comments allowed !
In order to post comments and texts
you must have an account and then LOGIN !

Go back !