| = to be revised | Luminita Suse [22.Dec.13 00:53] |
| There are a few places that need revision in your poem. One of the most important lines, the first line, is supposed to catch reader's attention. But yours seem to need correction or clarification. I assume you meant "cold faces the town inside(?) me". Did you want hoarfrost in line #4, by any chance? I have a bit of trouble picturing the moon astride someone's heart. Nevertheless, I like the implications of the last 2 lines of your poem. | |
| = thank you | Ottilia Ardeleanu [22.Dec.13 00:53] |
| for help. I made some changes, I hope that the most suitable. thanks again. | |
| = Curious | Luminita Suse [22.Dec.13 00:59] |
| Just curious: whose face is cold, the face of the town or some man's face? The town dwells inside you or the town carries off (kill) people that live inside you? Sorry, it is a bit confusing. | |
| = i think that | Ottilia Ardeleanu [22.Dec.13 18:42] |
| now it is ok. no confusion. thanks again. | |
| + A Christmas star! | Corina Gina Papouis [23.Dec.13 14:01] |
| I like the way this text turned out.I know Luminita helped and it is good that the suggestions are now empowering the text. To be more specific of what captured my attention I will add this: to me the poem is about the mood that it creates within the reader and I think you beautifully captured the surreal of the coming days (and nights :p). I know that English takes a while to master in poetry, but I think you are really working on it and with support here and there your poetic ideas and reading and practice you will be a sought after author one day! :) A little sign of my appreciation and also many thanks to Luminita for her intervention on the text. Regards to both! | |
| = Gina, | Ottilia Ardeleanu [02.Jan.14 13:08] |
| thank you for your support and positive words. I am honoured by your words and, also thank you for your star. | |