| = just some ideas | Jan Pengelly [31.Dec.05 02:04] |
| well I'm not sure how much help I can offer here,Stefanut, but will offer some ideas for your consideration. Firstly, let's go through your thy's, thee's thous etc... No greater hunger THAN thy lips I’ll have in life THINE eyes are mine for eternity Forever in death I’ll be without thy silence I won’t let go THOU'LL NOT let me I weep to wash THEE OFF/FROM MINE skin Thou art a diamond, no water can grind THEE I am the snow that melts in thy palm Thou ART just lust Mystery in many silhouettes Sin of life itself No greater hunger…lust Blinding eyes and silence …sin Forever THINE not mine…life well that's those but, honestly, this would read surely as well in more modern language? of course feel free to disagree, it's your poem after all. But if I was writing it, I'd adopt more contemporary language and adjust a few bits here and there to give you something more like this: No greater hunger than your lips will gnaw this life Your eyes are mine for eternity No silence in death, your echoes will hold me I won’t let go You won’t let me And though I might weep to wash you from my skin you are a diamond, no water can grind your essence I am the snow that melts in your palm You are just lust (with the power expressed about Lust, I don't think 'just' is suited, even though it might mean sacrificing that in-line rhyme... maybe 'For you are Lust' or 'For you are Lust, your heat a mystery of many sillhouettes') Mystery in many silhouettes Sin of life itself No greater hunger… Lust Blinding eyes and silence …sin Forever thou not mine…life [I'd completely drop the last line and 'sin' too, or change it to something like 'No greater hunger... Lust blinding eyes, silencing sin'. I'm not 100% certain of your message here to be honest, are you trying to say that the heat of lust inside you/the narrator will last beyond death aand will keep cold flesh warm with the purity of its nature? undiluted lust in its purest form? sorry if I'm way off-base here. I tried :( | |
| = great ideas | Bianca ªtefãnuþ [07.Jan.06 03:20] |
| wow thank you lots for the comment i really appreciate it, i'm not that good at poetry...i'll try harder. you don't have a good view of what i was trying to say, but they are my ideas...so you can't understand then that well. i thank you again for correcting my mistakes. | |