| = Pretty, but you could use a more personalized style | diana cosma [04.Feb.06 15:31] |
| Most of this poem is pretty common, I mean there isn't much of your voice in it. However, the feeling I got from this is strong and fresh, and I think you would only need to work a bit more on the phrasing to make this better. In the first stanza, I thought there were too many gerunds and that can become tiring. It may sound better if you could find a way to eliminate at least two of those gerunds. The repetition of the word "blinded" seems to be supposed to have a poetic effect. I think that is a great idea, however, you might want to use some metaphors for the things that are blinding you. I think this piece has potential but it is a little too starightforward. Many people can relate to this situation and that is good. I think your style could improve a lot if you experimented more, if you tried to find your own unique voice in poetry. There is this principle that you should show the meaning with your words rather than simply telling it. Maybe you need to get a leading, original idea for expressing your feelings. I think it would be better if, instead of stating your feelings like you do, you subtly compared them with other elements or situations. I guess you just need to feel more comfortable with words, use them as well as you can. You are above them and can do anything you like with your poetry. That point where you are entirely aware of that and using words to their fullest potential can only be reached by writing. So my advice would be, never stop writing. ~Diana | |