| = i | sebastian brei [07.Nov.07 18:19] |
| should tell you in the first place, that i am not such a good speaker of english, but i am really interested in reading nowadays poems from outside my country, in finding new ideeas in this sphere that my help my poetry as well. so, be gentle whenever you see in my poems mistakes. i promiss i wold try hardly to improve my language. here, the first three poems are not my trnaslation and I couldn t find errors, but the last one belongs to my translation and i my be wrong all along. | |
| = to be revised | Luminita Suse [07.Nov.07 18:29] |
| "beutyfull poems"? Superfluous definite article "the" in "hidden behind the palms". Cliché verses "I quickly bought a flower/ and I gave it to her as a gift." Can you shorten them a bit? Then, you say "his fist" although you haven't introduced a third character yet... Could it be "her fist"? | |
| = thank you | sebastian brei [07.Nov.07 21:23] |
| well, i revice it and was a little frightened. thank you for helping me. qustion - isn t it obviousin enlish that, in the second poem, there are 2 characters, as in roumanian is if i use the word !his!? anyway, i change also there. but i didn t understand exactly your question. i mean, i was entending to express this - a he and a she arguing (the sugesstion is that they are lovers or something like that), i gave her a flower and that moment he hits me. thnaks again and lots of thank for help. | |
| = to be revised | Luminita Suse [07.Nov.07 21:28] |
| OK, just wanted to make sure I understood right the reference to a third person. Your poem, in title and body, still contains misspelled words: beautyfull, midle, coffe, litle. | |
| = i revised | sebastian brei [09.Nov.07 00:38] |
| forgive me bing so stupid. i don t know the language so well. so i suppose i have to try harder. i want to be a famous poet and that for i have to be able to translate in english nd spanish. thank you for helping me, pointing exactly my mistakes. | |
| = suggestions | Luminita Suse [09.Nov.07 00:52] |
| OK, let's have a look at your poems. Be careful with verbs. Here's my suggestions for the first two: autumn I sowed the seed in the park and it was I who watered it every day. then I slept by its side night after night and I held it in my arms till it bloomed. autumn. now. I buy a bottle of vodka, a pack of cigarettes and some candles. flowers they had argued. hidden behind palms, she started to cry slowly, silently I offered her a flower. then his fist did right. blood on my face. I held out the flower and the fist hit. again and again. everywhere on the sidewalk my teeth burst into bloom. | |
| = for future | Luminita Suse [09.Nov.07 00:57] |
| Why did you post these many poems at once? You should've posted each poem separately and use the subtitle capability to mark it as belonging to a series like "beautiful poems" although I sense some irony in it. | |
| = Intensity | John Willy Kopperud [10.Nov.07 03:39] |
Yep, I do sense a thrill here, while reading all of the words. You possess an intensity in taking the theme to it's extreme that I don't see very often Willy | |
| = i don't believe you | ion amariutei [11.Nov.07 10:55] |
| i had some doubts until i got to "a little bug is attempting to climb the table". i mean, there is no way someone knows "attempting" but not "trying" (unless you picked attempting because you don't know how to spell trying) if you're really after the english version of diamandi i think you should drop the fake helplessness (at least when it comes to the language) autumn is obviously the best in the bunch. try to avoid parody, it really doesn't work anymore: "the lights are flashing and/ the tv is flashing.//I put on my fluffy slippers and I take off my fluffy slippers" | |
| = thank you | sebastian brei [13.Nov.07 04:15] |
| luminita, i ll reconsider my translation in light of what you have said (you shall read that i like more the you put it, because something like this i was wrinting in roumanian). i do have a problems in using times right. about posting 4 poms instead just one, i always think that an author can t be understand reading only one of his poems.anyway, i shall not change right now, n order more people to read the texts. john, you make my day. i am very happy reading what you think about the poems. ion, god. i was hopping that at least here i want be acused of being someone else. the style is far away from diamandi and you re not the first who put that name in such a context. first, you are right about trying (i was on the verge of wrinting tryng, i checked the dictionary and i find the other word).second, i know the language so and so, but i am not good enough to do whatever i want in english. it wasn t meant to be parody there. (i know it doesn t work) i shall think of changing it if you read it as a parody. thank you all. | |
| = why | sebastian brei [14.Nov.07 02:39] |
| do you think that this texts aren t good enough for the first page but for worshop? i mean, i did correct the mistakes and the grammar is good now, so the conclusion is that the text are not valuable enough. i am not a genius (yet :D) to know it for sure, but i can hardly belive that the texts are so stupid. i begg for a point of view in order to know where i am wrong. | |
| = no answer | sebastian brei [17.Nov.07 16:12] |
| i guest i don t need anylonger any answer for the question cause no use, no one is gonna give me one. anyway, i still feel strange about this story, especially cause the text, after eliminating the mistakes, was on the front page, but after i post the translation luminita suse suggest i should try, hopcus pocus, the text is no more good, but for the workshop. i wish you all luck, although i hate you now with all my heart and i consider you werwn t fair to me. | |