| = Marius | Luminita Suse [09.May.08 15:36] |
| I would say that miming a sketch is a bit troubling to grasp as a figure of speech. I'll take a leap of faith and try to imagine your hands mimicking v-s of departing birds. Try to avoid using too many ing-s. In this short poem you've used this form twice. I've also noticed this in another tanka of yours. Personally, I'd add striking images to avoid using cliches such as "lost summer". Here's an example: "I mime a v of birds beyond the hedge of the suicidal summer" Regards. You probably have constraints with respect to the number of syllables in tanka and the subject. I admire your attempts to comply to these rules. | |
| = Thank you for the advice Luminita! | Marius Surleac [09.May.08 15:43] |
| Yes Luminita you're right about the -ing's and also about the number of syllables; and thank you very much for the advice. I'll keep that in mind and I'll change it. I didn't thought to the V shape which is perfect! Cheers from Marius! | |