Members comments:

 =  The succession of words in English is...
John Willy Kopperud
[10.Oct.08 11:23]
...where I come from. See to it that you write DRUNKLY - no c.
Too many words in he was still experiencing etc...
I suggest: when he was still in a vital state of mind.
Provided these changes the text will be approved. Especielly
important is the change to WHERE I COME FROM since that statement forms the opening of four stanzas. Apart from this the poem is interesting.
Cheers from Willy

 =  Mr. Kopperund...
George Asztalos
[12.Oct.08 11:05]
thank you for your sugestions. I think it's beter now. Hope you understand that translating is not one of my best talents for the moment...:)
See you soon. George.

 =  Grammar/syntax is a lot better now...
John Willy Kopperud
[11.Oct.08 19:02]
just be sure you write which with an h, although in this context I think WHO is the best solution. This is a powerful, suggestive poem, rich in it's use of metaphors. The improved grammar and syntax helps me acknowledge that.
Cheers from Willy

 =  Thanx Willy
George Asztalos
[12.Oct.08 11:07]
once again for the sugestions. It's funny but I have replied your first comment and nothing apeard here although it was registered a.s.o...:)
Have a nice week-end my friend!

 =  few...
Marius Surleac
[12.Oct.08 23:44]
George, some few additional suggestions to what Willy said:

There should be “dug by my father” instead of “digged by my father”; „drunkenly” instead of „drinkly”; „noctambulo” or „noctambulist” instead of „noctambular”. Also, can you explain me „draculities”? There is „touristically” instead of „touristical”.

 =  marius
George Asztalos
[21.Oct.08 18:54]
thanx a lot for suggestions. hope now it's under the gramathix laws at last. draculities it's a poetic licence, meaning things tied to Dracula, the blody prince of Transsylvania. a word made up by me for the freaky touristic expectations...:)

 =  in spite
felix nicolau
[16.Oct.08 16:04]
although it has a touch of American '70s, i liked it and amused myself,in spite of the sad undertones

 =  very nice
dan marius
[16.Oct.08 17:51]
where I come from the single life insurance

that makes us true is the bread

and the salt of the land

it’s everything that keeps us free

and madly together

loved it. impressive. waiting for more. congrats

 =  Felix
George Asztalos
[21.Oct.08 18:53]
long time no see...your sight is very expenssive I presume...glad you liked my stuff and find it amazing...think it deserves to translate my worx over here?
Thanx for the sign, a really good surprise...:)

 =  Marius
George Asztalos
[22.Oct.08 14:12]
thanx for all your friendly words and kind apreciation man. I'ts refreshing and cheers me up for good...:)

No anonymous comments allowed !
In order to post comments and texts
you must have an account and then LOGIN !

Go back !