| = A good idea indeed, Marius... | John Willy Kopperud [15.Nov.08 19:05] |
| ...but I sincerely hope you don't mind me suggesting a few changes. You see, here you're beginning to rhyme in a style that really requires discipline and strict counting of syllables. After some pondering I have taken the liberty to suggest that you organize your poem in four lines. First two; ten syllables, last two, eleven syllables. Two separate stanzas: Sparrows and pigeons throw pieces of bread; start nuclear reactions - watch out ahead. One step and the flower is prompted to bloom. High speed is required when using the zoom. With respect, cheers from Willy | |
| = Thank you very much Willy! | Marius Surleac [15.Nov.08 20:58] |
| Willy, I don't mind about giving me this suggestion. First, when I wrote this poem I wanted to be like a free-form broken rhyme poem and not as a fixed-form poem. After seeing your comment somehow I was caught by your idea of making from it a fixed form poem with a proper style for rhyme. So I thought to your idea and now the poem is quite symmetric when we talk about syllables but I kept 83% the rhyme though – not totally. Hope that now looks better. With gratitude, Marius | |
| = That's what I call poetry workshop... | John Willy Kopperud [16.Nov.08 00:01] |
| ...with the contributors ideas blending, ending up in something new, a third way that's even better. I really enjoyed the last words here, "Grey is the sky" - thought- provoking and striking! Good going, Marius! Cheers from Willy | |
| = thank you once more! | Marius Surleac [16.Nov.08 00:08] |
| Thank you Willy! You're perfectly right about the constructive workshop and glad it went out in a better shape. The last verse has different meanings and you pointed it out with a sharp eye. Cheers, Marius | |
| = playful poem | Cezara Popescu [25.Nov.08 20:38] |
| A light poem on a "naughty" note! My only observation is that in a rhymed poem, you have to keep the number of syllables equal for the effect, which is not the case in the first 3 lines. Friendly, C | |
| = answer Cezara! | Marius Surleac [25.Nov.08 22:16] |
| Thank you Cezara for you cute comment on this poem of mine. About the number of syllables, if you count them carefully you'll see that is a certain rule for the syllables that is followed; there is no problem with the first three lines. The rule is: 11-11-4 and 11-11-4. Thank you very much! Best wishes, Marius | |