| = A good idea indeed, Marius...|
John Willy Kopperud
|...but I sincerely hope you don't mind me suggesting a few changes. You see, here you're beginning to rhyme in a style that really requires discipline and strict counting of syllables. After some pondering I have taken the liberty to suggest that you organize your poem in four lines. First two; ten syllables, last two, eleven syllables. Two separate stanzas:|
Sparrows and pigeons throw pieces of bread;
start nuclear reactions - watch out ahead.
One step and the flower is prompted to bloom.
High speed is required when using the zoom.
With respect, cheers from Willy
| = Thank you very much Willy!|
|Willy, I don't mind about giving me this suggestion. First, when I wrote this poem I wanted to be like a free-form broken rhyme poem and not as a fixed-form poem. After seeing your comment somehow I was caught by your idea of making from it a fixed form poem with a proper style for rhyme. So I thought to your idea and now the poem is quite symmetric when we talk about syllables but I kept 83% the rhyme though – not totally. |
Hope that now looks better.
| = That's what I call poetry workshop...|
John Willy Kopperud
|...with the contributors ideas blending, ending up in something new, a third way that's even better. I really enjoyed the last words here, "Grey is the sky" - thought- provoking and striking! Good going, Marius!|
Cheers from Willy
| = thank you once more!|
|Thank you Willy! You're perfectly right about the constructive workshop and glad it went out in a better shape. The last verse has different meanings and you pointed it out with a sharp eye.|
| = playful poem|
|A light poem on a "naughty" note! My only observation is that in a rhymed poem, you have to keep the number of syllables equal for the effect, which is not the case in the first 3 lines.|
| = answer Cezara!|
|Thank you Cezara for you cute comment on this poem of mine. About the number of syllables, if you count them carefully you'll see that is a certain rule for the syllables that is followed; there is no problem with the first three lines. The rule is: 11-11-4 and 11-11-4.|
Thank you very much!