Members comments:

= not bad
Diana Todea
[15.Dec.08 12:28]
The text is not bad. However, I have a few suggestions in order to simplify the verses. Try to either lose some verses that complicate the overall image, like "turning you upside down and caging you" or "that erupt sparks of towards-you-motion", either to modify the structure of your poem in stanzas or multiple passages. There are some interesting epithets, but the poem is too crowded within a prosaic language. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Anyway, keep on writing. Cheers, Diana.

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= not bad	Diana Todea [15.Dec.08 12:28]
The text is not bad. However, I have a few suggestions in order to simplify the verses. Try to either lose some verses that complicate the overall image, like "turning you upside down and caging you" or "that erupt sparks of towards-you-motion", either to modify the structure of your poem in stanzas or multiple passages. There are some interesting epithets, but the poem is too crowded within a prosaic language. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Anyway, keep on writing. Cheers, Diana.