| = Hail Peace. Hail Love. Sheika. | Juan Felipe Parra [19.May.06 01:53] |
| Stronger. More fluid. Well done. | |
| = to name is to own | ion amariutei [20.May.06 06:59] |
| a man meets a mirror (there are no names or substance in front of a mirror - just curiosity and fear) he's touching the glass all of a sudden his hand looks like an inverted tree and his face like a story long forgotten - sour apples & all "as men when burdened not do" sounds really strange and a little precious, something simpler might work better, like: as men with no burdens, even better, men with no worries. i think, when you bring fourth a universal myth, you've got to keep it dense and true to itself. in other words, your ending is ok, sort of "to name is to own", but i think you should get there faster or following a more direct route | |
| = to name is to own the object's representation | Maria Schuler [29.May.06 19:53] |
| yes, while writing it, i did have the slight suspicion i was overdoing it. the idea, intially, was quite simple. it got more complex after it was put into words. you know how words tend to ...kill the idea--a poet's fatality.:D | |