| = Striking imagery | Corina Sterian [11.Feb.07 20:12] |
| This poem breathes circularity, centered around the poet as a demagogue of her own weather. The revelation is in observing the previsions coming true, in being able to believe that she believed before noticing.But as a demagogue has only conscience as his judge, the writer here haunts and punishes herself, tears down parts of her citadel, rains blood over others. Although the poem is perfectly able to convey meaning, I would have some suggestions regarding the author's choice of words. To begin with, awkward is too vague a word and contrasts with the godlike powers that the writer later assumes. It is true that rain and distant memories can generate haze, but you may consider giving your rain the power to become what you later depict it as being. Personally, I think that the image of "years filled with screams" is the most striking one, as it alerts the reader of the devastation inside the poet's soul, but maybe it would be better to consider changing the line into, say "my time is bruised with shrieks". In this way, the meaning of the verse would be reinforced and extended. Time hints at a more radical change than years, and so do shrieks that are more appropriate bearers of despair than screams are. Furthermore, I have indicated the word "bruised" to suggest that the poet is subdued under the weight of emotions, but not yet defeated. I am not trying to say that your choice of words is unsuited, I am merely suggesting a way in which you could lend strength to your images through words. It was nice reading your poem. Good luck | |