| = this poem reveals a tender soul, maybe a little too much rhyming here... good l | Sydney Krivenko [22.Feb.07 15:52] |
| ...he draws five rose leaves around your bare heart... lovely expression, real tender poetry! I like it, may i just remark that some lines feel too long and instead of saying :after that, youcould say: then, and some words feel slightly too everyday language for this type of poem and subject. " that you got crazy", does not sound right here. I started trying to rhyme everything, but sometimes it sounds like one loses oneself for the sake of rhyming the words, or to make them sound similar. That is why I went away from the rhyme, and only sometimes rhyme the words, when it comes naturally, often it feels the words want to rhyme by themselves, but is this really what you want to say? It can still sound musical and soft without rhymes. Anyway, this is just a thought, and my own experience, I am no expert but feel I am learning a lot by reading others, listening to their ideas and comments and writing... | |
| = Sydney, | Heghedus Camelia [22.Feb.07 18:11] |
| As regards the rhyme, you are perfectly right. Thank you for advising me, in few days I will change something in this poem that didn’t satisfied me neither. But the discontent concerning my writings is usual for me. All the best for you and thank you once again! | |