| = suggestions | ion amariutei [16.Jan.04 00:23] |
| *a shake wakes him up* - used as a noun, *shake* means a beverage in which the ingredients are mixed by shaking. you could use something like *a sudden shiver wakes him* instead try to avoid long phrases, they're hard to follow and mistakes are easier to make :)) for instance: *Still, he finds only darkness. That feeling seems to be a salvation at first. Instead, it robs him of the last ray of light that could have melt the ice immobilizing him* | |
| = Good work Anca | Cosmin Pohaci [17.Jan.04 12:24] |
| Nice text, I've enjoyed reading it. It is pretty deep and so real at the same time. I identify myself with those feelings on many occasions. Only one thing I'd like to suggest: don't make it sentence after sentence after sentence. Leave a few blank spaces so the reader could "breathe" :) Also I would have loved to read more (so a bigger essay I suppose), to see your conception as a whole as well, to get through to you and your feelings, your state of mind. | |
| = good work ! | Mihai Popeti [18.Jan.04 20:24] |
| I'd add that when you're writing about the soul you should use "it" instead of "him" (line 3, word 6) and "he"(4,5). Good luck on your melancholy, I've defeated mine (the kind you're talking about) only to find another kind of melancholy. So what's the use? I guess that it is in the nature of life to keep on trying. You won't avoid getting defeated in a particular battle or another. But don't imagine you have lost the whole damn war, 'cos even if you give up you haven't lost it. gentle thoughts, Mihai | |