| = well done | Maria Schuler [01.Jan.05 02:23] |
| You have accomplished to carry out the idea of the "luciferic repent" perfeclty (with a fwe typos, which any "mortal" could have done) in metric shape and in visual effects. I was particularly touched by the simplisity and the flow of the rhythm and the rhymes, which non the less were able to transcend true teosophies regarding christian dogma. Yet I am not sure about the last two lines from the last stanza, their meaning is unexpected. Perhaps there was a negative verb you forgot to mention or an "one who walked aside the path of light" (with emphasis on "aside" to show the negative effect, the deviation from the righteous path). Or perhaps you can explain this to me. In general, regarding typos, just a little notice: in the first line of the first stanza I think you meant "the world feels that its end is near" not "it's". Other than that, there would be some inperfections in following the metric of each line and some rhythm problems, but they're not that obvious and I think it would destroy the meaning if you were to change words, so I will resume to what I have allready said. With hope that my comment was useful, Maria. | |
| = Thanks | Alex Iftimie [01.Jan.05 19:34] |
| Thanks a lot for the comment, my writing skills are poor, and so is my English, anyway, i really apreciate that you took the time to read it and i'm glad you like it. | |