| = Mihaela | Corina Gina Papouis [18.Nov.09 16:23] |
| I think your text needs some polishing, cutting down some clutter-words that do nothing to the poem but make it look and feel heavy. this is how i see it: On the edge i fall nothing stands between the last drop of rain and the first kiss on a winter’s day yet you left hands in your pockets your steps a trace i’m falling and your hands can’t reach me lost between edges i’m afraid this snow will cover my soul in the middle of darkness my soul has many colours you can’t paint this pastel anymore your shape is changing i write about you in this mysterious way you are shadow, you are wind you are rain but never snow winter comes for dreamy people you never dreamt these edges sharp and deep lost into my skin | |
| = Hi | Dan Moldoveanu [18.Nov.09 18:14] |
| I in fact quite enjoyed your poem... gave me a sense of breathlessness, of despair. The essence is there, even the words are right, but as Corina said, some of the wording is unnecessary and "kills" the spirit... In my humble opinion, things like "-with the- hands in your pockets", "with -the- childish hands", "-cause- you are snow" - disrupt the flow of your poem which is otherwise rather touching. Thank you for sharing, and hope to see more! -Dan | |
| = corina, dan | Mihaela Roxana Boboc [19.Nov.09 13:16] |
| Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel so good to have such a warm reception. I'll improuve my poem, thanks for your advices. | |