| + turning warm-blooded | Veronica Valeanu [24.Oct.10 19:02] |
| KKS, i feel you've done a great job here and you have taken it to the next level! I also came to the conclusion that being a little angry is starting to suit you better, gives a little more fuel to your style. you've moved from the stage where the cold-blooded attention was the king. I see things on the move, ranges of action, attitude as sensor of movement, things on collison course. action leads to simplicity and to spectacle : e.g. [a scene occurs] here the staging is like the dynamics inside an organism. I am telling you that because I would like you to continue the warm-blooded series. cheers, Veronica | |
| = err | Veronica Valeanu [24.Oct.10 19:03] |
| collision | |
| = Thanks | Kuldeep Kumar Srivastava [25.Oct.10 11:53] |
| VV, you have the eyes and the brain of a well-trained, experienced Editor. Nothing escapes these. Regards KK | |
| = Kuldeep- | John Willy Kopperud [29.Oct.10 16:00] |
| I would have preferred "my restlessness" in the third line. To me that seems more adequate as to rhythm. Having said that I quite agree with Veronicas evaluation. The four last lines are REALLY good, except for one detail: I do get the context, but shouldn't it be"I seek refuge", like in refugee? Otherwise it might be misinterpreted as a wish for refusal.But "refuge in the subterranean edges", that's gold! And, as Veronica pointed out,the anger suits your writing! Cheers from Will, | |
| = yep | Veronica Valeanu [29.Oct.10 16:47] |
| i was thinking about what Willy said. yes, there is smth not quite ok with that [who have instilled insensibilities into restlessness of mine, restlessness as infecund as I am.]- yet, that repetition should imply taking distance from smth. if you say [my], it gives the effect of closeness. so, perhaps [a]restlessness of mine could be an idea. what do you think? I agree with Willy's [refuge] instead of [refuse]. | |