| = Holy place | James A Williams [18.Jan.12 07:17] |
| I love the metaphors, the comparisons of the cheese shop to the church. How the boy feels that he is in a holy place, to where he desires to cross himself. This is a great story and only has minor technical problems and a few grammatical errors. As I recently critiqued another of your wonderful shorts, I will not do so with this one unless you so desire. Let me know if I can be of use. Thanks, this is great stuff. James | |
| = Please critique this story | lupu mircea [01.Feb.12 14:31] |
| You can criticize me whenever you want - it's ok- I have no problems with that. It is the only way I can improve myself. I thank you for this. | |
| = Critique | James A Williams [05.Mar.12 03:05] |
| I think it is not too late to attend the Mass at the church. Change to: It is not too late to attend Mass. ('I think,' makes the sentence weak. 'at the church,' is redundant. Inside the shop is quiet-nobody is behind the counter. Should be something like… Inside the shop it is quiet. There is nobody behind the counter. From behind the wall suddenly appears the shop man I think I would change shop man to 'merchant or shopkeeper.' (And I would kill suddenly. :) I figure Cyrillic letters in the holes of the slices… I see Cyrillic… perhaps. I wanted to pay the cheese but the shop man turned me down. Take the cheese please, it is charity. You changed tenses in the middle of a scene… a BIG no, no. :) I WANT to pay for the cheese, but the shopkeeper TURNS me down. "Take the cheese, it is a gift. I liked your story well indeed. jaw | |
| = thanks | lupu mircea [07.Mar.12 09:51] |
| Many thanks Jaw for your help :) | |
| = cleaner | James A Williams [07.Mar.12 15:36] |
| Much cleaner, it flows better now. ten thumbs up. (I'm all thumbs today. :) jaw | |