| = opinion | ion amariutei [29.Dec.05 18:07] |
| liked the last two stanzas, tight technique, economical writing. semantics and story setup seem a little ambiguous, fear of electrocution triggering burning revelations doesn't sound too convincing... first stanza seems a little long for a colloquial approach and somewhat contorted, i would have liked it simpler, more explicit welcome to our site! | |
| = Was this so obscure as to alienate the reader do you think? | Jan Pengelly [30.Dec.05 03:16] |
| thankyou so much for replying, ion :) do you think perhaps breaking that first stanza into two might help enhance the clarity at all? this was all about electricity, but as representing danger in our lives. Often a thing may be dangerous, yet harmless unless we reach out and complete the circuit. Like the bare wires, like t.v'd hysteria-religion, like many things. Tesla was the inspiration behind this, with his ideas of harnessing the power of electricity for domestic use. I couldn't resist allowing Saul his moment there too, as one reputedly to have been struck (by the hand of God) by lightning and to have seen as through new eyes, eyes burning with revelations, which I wanted as the final image to leave it open that perhaps we must engage with things considered dangerous in order to to fully 'see' all that's hidden from us in the daily routines of life. Did the cartoonish image of being suspended X-ray fashion hinder things? that was from the idea of touching the bare wires and being electrocuted, with the eyes burning... | |
| = success! | ion amariutei [30.Dec.05 19:20] |
| might help to make the first stanza longer and more descriptive. tesla was easy, but i got lost at the saul reference, i was thinking (maybe because of the ending) more like saul bellow, Seize the Day, Dangling Man, etc i think the final is fine | |
| = Technical meets Esthetics | Edilberto González Trejos [31.Dec.05 03:39] |
| Jan, This one is original, you blend technical language with the artistic sense, which I appreciate. May be some readers will have to figure a coupla things out, but this is Good Poetry Man. Happy New year, SONGO | |