| = An interesting poetic elaboration... | John Willy Kopperud [09.Apr.08 23:39] |
| ...on emotions motion. Enjoyed it! Cheers from Willy | |
| = interesting, nice and needs a liitle bit of improvement... | Marius Surleac [11.Apr.08 11:59] |
| Indeed interesting as Willy mentioned above, but I think that if you'll restrain a bit the cause-effect state, the expressions and if you'll try to create a shape for the words (to give them a new sense that will attract like a magnet the readers) would be ok. There is too much enumeration of some things, inner states and also there at the beginning is a too obvious dialogue with Newton (is a poem not an essay, so it should be treated like a poem – try to improve that dialogue, to be more poetic than essayistic). Finally I think that the idea inside the text deserves to get out from Workshop and is a very nice poem – the only thing needed is a little polish at the first and the middle of the poem. Cheers and have a nice day! | |
| = interesting, nice and needs a little bit of improvement... | Marius Surleac [10.Apr.08 14:09] |
| Indeed interesting as Willy mentioned above, but I think that if you'll restrain a bit the cause-effect state, the expressions and if you'll try to create a shape for the words (to give them a new sense that will attract like a magnet the readers) would be ok. There is too much enumeration of some things, inner states and also there at the beginning is a too obvious dialogue with Newton (is a poem not an essay, so it should be treated like a poem – try to improve that dialogue, to be more poetic than essayistic). Finally I think that the idea inside the text deserves to get out from Workshop and is a very nice poem – the only thing needed is a little polish at the first and the middle of the poem. Cheers and have a nice day! | |