| = Interesting, but some revision needed... | John Willy Kopperud [30.Nov.08 10:25] |
| ...since your poem seems to be too "Romanian" in its grammar/syntax and some of your solutions really don't work here. I suggest: Last night i slept in front of the telly, miraculously, joined the movie high on LSD, the sound, the voice shattering me. Wandering about inside the screen all night, in search of blue ribbons, a family and a white Christmas, my paradise. Somewhat awkward, but a big surprise to meet Elvis. Each step beyond reality mesmerizing. Virtual kisses, virtual love, is anything more natural? One far-out night inside the screen, asleep with my head on a caramel moon. A dream of a future for us as cartoon characters, laughing and loving innocently. As to the division of the lines: use your imagination! Hope you don't mind this humble suggestion. Your theme does interest me. Cheers from Willy | |
| = There... | John Willy Kopperud [01.Dec.08 09:39] |
| ..you've kicked out the "romanianisms". Partly you solved the problems on your own and partly you've followed my suggestion. Not at all bad, I'd say! And I repeat; an interesting theme. Cheers from Willy | |
| = suggestions | Diana Todea [01.Dec.08 14:53] |
| Thank you for your suggestions, they were very helpful in the first place to make me realize that I need to change the whole thing. Anyway, my idea of a man that enters in the telly and the image distorts him was a comparison telly-LSD and virtual-effect on human mind. Pretty abstract that's why I'm thinking of a sequel in a short story. Thanks again for stopping by. Cheers, Diana. | |