| = common sense | Maria Schuler [01.Jan.05 02:36] |
| The idea of this piece of poetry is quite noble, the poets intention being that of spiritual ascension, of obtaining superiority to "the common people". I am a bit fond of how you've managed to speak of an universal truth in such simple words. As paradoxically as it may seem, the "ascent to perfection" or to whatever lingers above is quite a "common goal", for every intellectual man wishes to be better today than he was yesterday. As for the technical part of the poetry, I quite enjoyed your little "chorus". I am refering to the lines which ended in "the common people". This makes the poem sound more mellodic and I like it. However, I would like to make some suggestions regarding the metric of these lines. I have noticed that most of them are 8 or 10 syllable lines, that is why I was thinkig it would be best if you would eliminate "the" from the 10th, 12th, and 14th line. (10"That's a wonder dream for common people" ... 12"In the world of common people" ... 14"Run away from common people"). This way you would keep the 10th line a 10-syllable one, and the 12th and 14th an 8-syllable one. I hope my remarks were helpful. Maria | |