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￭ in return for your navy blue shirt
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2003-12-28 | |
( semi darkness, an old table in the middle of the room and a lit candle on it, in the center; next to the candle, a long gothic pen with a pea-cock feather at its end. At the table, she sitsā¦or is that me?)
āGod, if I only had the power to step on his body and kill him right under your eyes, I would do that and if You would tell me that itās a sin to kill, then I would scream to You that he was born only to be killed ā¦or to kill me through me, with me, inside me! OF!
(she takes the pen in her hand and starts playing with it, drawing circles in the air)
Yes, I would kill him with my lifeās dark pen, a life that he writes every day and I would transform him in word and name it āForgetā, only so that he would stop being āMeā and stop writing my rusty destiny and You, God, you HAVE TO let me re-baptize myself and become a hybris because I simply do not deserve the name āHumanā! Come to think of it now, I donāt even want to be one, itās too simple, too ordinary, ahhh, too many people nowadays. Iām something different, Iām not a human because if I were one it would be impossible for me to Think. People nowadays donāt thinkā¦they mime the process until they come to believe in their roles, they believe theyāre some kind of fire when actually theyāre just ashes, they believe theyāre huge when actually theyāre just some ugly letters in a dictionary.
How can I call myself a Human when I always lie to my soul, when I tell him that heās mine, when I killā¦.when I kill over and over again that other soul that is inside me and that calls me, crying, from the sky?!? I always kill him when I pretend I donāt hear him cryā¦
(she blows the candle out; complete darkness surrounds her and a certain breeze of evil can be sensed)
Hey, candle! I have just discovered that I have 3 souls! THREE! God, another one! This third one, coming up from Hell caught a vein in my throat and heās just standing there waiting for the deep storm to come, but not so he would free himself, but to start spreading himself through all my body, carried by the wind. Crazy!! Look, see?! Can u see how he laughs at me??!??
Candle, Iām scared because somebody told me that I will someday have a lot of souls: one in my eyes, one inside the ears, and some more on my cheecks.
(she brings the candle really close to her face)
What do you mean who told me? I forgotā¦ I forgot, sorryā¦. ā¦ā¦.. ā¦ā¦.. WHAT? You told me that? No! No No No! I donāt believe you, LiaR!!
I will use one soul to feel his world, another one to hear someone elseās voice, and the other ones to touch him and re-baptize him āforgetā. Thatās what he deserves!!!
Yes, I want to āforgetā! I wonder just how would it be like for me to forget all about my souls and to become "him"? To be me myself āforgetā and he, my āhybrisā, to fly along with me, creating a violet clichĆ©, then to land in front of God where, AT LAST!, I can kill him for invading my being, I can force him to a demonical catharsis out of which he will scream with fear, in despair because he hates being baptized and also hates it when I force him to grow wings only because I WANT TO!
(she wants to get up from the table, but she changes her mind and sits back, takes the candle in her hand, lights it and hereāre her big dark eyes, scared and wet with fear)
Why canāt I? Here, on Earth, I am something too damned material for the rest of the world, I am too damned real to be alone inside me because I am not really that strong that I want to seem like. He helps me every time, heās my reality and Iām alive along with him. WHAT? Me, to be Me without him? I think I would be invisible if he wouldnāt give me color, charm, strength, color, charm, power! NO!!!
Common, common my third soul, tell me why do you all want me and why donāt u break me already, why donāt you break me into pieces because it would be interesting for me to be the 1st soul-fall. Common, tell me!
WHAT? I donāt break? Liar! Liar! I donāt know you anymoreā¦
You, you, my real soul, you come here and tell me why did u leave all these impostors to come inside me, why? Yes, thatās it, sit down! ā¦ BrrrRR! Youāre so cold! So coldā¦ (pulls back her hand and shivers)
Common, my real soul, letās baptize ourselves, just you and me. Us, together letās be the dual hybris in a single world. (shivering):
WHAT? Iāve just created another soul?!? LIAR!!! It hurts giving birth to it, my imagination hurts, my respiration that keeps him alive hurts! Common, intruder, come to me! Yes, Yes, you, stop hiding behind myselfā¦
(ironical smile) MmMm, youāre warmā¦
(she takes the pen in her hand, rises it up in the air, looks at it with her big black eyes, and stabs them with the thinner end of the pen. No blood comes out)
Itās all overā¦ my name is Oedip. My souls will dry off and I will step over them, I will break them and bury them in someone elseās grave. None of them was mine, even though they all grew from inside me.
Ahhhh, āForgetā!! How did u manage to save yourself? How? All the other ones are dead, but I see you here with me. Ohhh, youāre warm. WHAT happened?
(attentive, she looks like sheās listening to something. After some time, amazed:)
I am just
U gave me
I am just
another one of your souls?
in your palmā¦?!?
Whoās writing now?
(she stands up from the table, takes the fireless candle in her hand, makes some steps aside, turns and throws back the candle on the table. Noise)
Ha! I lied to you, candle! My name was NOT Oedip!!
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