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A Recovering Death Seeker Speaks
poetry [ ]

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by [lavacaloca ]

2006-05-02  |     | 

You are so cruel to me.
You open up your eyes and you tell me to die.
Do you know what those words do to me?
You have no idea what I am capable of.
If I could I would die and come back to see if your words would change their mind.

Those words pierce my essence.
Those words make me ache inside, make me crave love and death all at the same time.
I don’t want your acceptance, but and apology would be fine.
The tears just stream down my face, pouring out the pain you create.

Can’t you see I am here I am real I am human, I was your friend.
I could never hate until I met you.
Until I met you I was content and a recovering death seeker.
I cry when I think of what could have been of what I could have committed,

But I didn’t.
You don’t know that, but I was close to it.
So close to those stairs, a spiral down to heaven.
Limbo was not a party crasher but my place in Dante’s diagram.
I hate hating you.

I wish I could just let it go and put a wall of concrete between us.
No matter how far, a sea and ocean, or a hemisphere I can’t forget what you said.
Do you care that I care so much?
I can’t bear this pain any longer, but I refuse to give in to the anger.

May I find peace with myself
May I find a way to forgive myself
May I see the day when you take back what you said
May I see the time when you care.

Nothing fazes you. Nothing makes you cry,
I want to make you cry. I want to see you get hurt.
I want to revenge my pain on you and see you squirm.
I want I want I want, but alas I can’t.

I don’t have the fight in me to hurt you.
I don’t want to hurt you.
My God screams forgiveness.
My heart screams pick up the pieces.
My soul needs some healing.

I am not and will not be that person
The person that will be lower than you
The person that will degrade you
The person that will make you cry
I may get immense joy from your tears, but I wont make you cry
I promise.

Fortune’s wheel must have been turning when I met you.
Fortune must have thought it was my time,
Because since I met you my emotions have taken a ride
Fortune I do not blame you, for all you do is turn and churn my life
You manipulate my joy and sorrow.

May God grant me the serenity I need
To get passed these days of sorrow
To gain my wings and fly away to an island in the sea
My last words to you are that I don’t understand you, but I wish I did.

Oh! Can’t you see what grief you cause me?
I’m letting you go afloat at see, so take my pain and tears with thee
I wish you well even though my enemy you might be.
May God protect us both from pain, but me the most
May God educate you on pain and set you free
May God let me live a life free of you and your words of death

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