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The real story of P.P.Bridge, the supersonic pirate
prose [ ]
to a friend

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by [Arachne ]

2004-05-25  |     | 

Attention: explicit content!

The truth was out thereā€¦but we brought it in hereā€¦.

Motto: Like father, like sonā€¦

P.P. Bridge, the world’s stupidest pirate, is a very well known figure nowadays, thanks to Luciana and Alexandra.

History does not mention many things about this guy, but what we know for sure is that in that period, besides steeling things, he practiced the commerce with body parts, especially with hearts, which he used to steel and sell, never keeping them but never giving them backā€¦. That’s why nowadays his ghost does the same thing with the hearts of every single girl he can catch in his evil spell in the David Prodan High-schoolā€¦

But let’s not anticipateā€¦ We know for sure that he was the son of some Scandinavian peasants and that his father kind of resembled Mr. Cazanā€¦ His family was kind of poor, all they had was a little house and a lousy waggonā€¦ The parents wanted to offer him the chance of a better life and wanted to send him to Square Roots, the world’s most famous School of Mathematics at that timeā€¦ But, blaming fate and considering himself too free for radicals, P.P Bridge, after failing the exams, became a pirate to escape the rage of his father, who wanted to send him deep into the dark forests of the Raven, where his grandfather livedā€¦

We do not know for sure what happened, but when P.P. Bridge tried to go away to other lands, the ship was destroyed by a big storm and P.P. Bridge sailed for three months on a log, eating rotten bananas and drinking foul waterā€¦ After those three months, a ship, the famous “TIMETANICā€ picked him upā€¦

Chapter II: THE EVOLUTION OF A MONSTER (MIRC NICK: “THE SUPERSONIC PIRATEā€; alternate: “FOOT +Cā€ ā€“ joke! You won’t find him there now- he died 500 years ago)

Motto: At first I couldn’t startā€¦ but then I couldn’t stopā€¦

“TIMETANICā€ was the fear of the seas, the most terrible ship of all pirate ships ever builtā€¦ TIMETANIC’s captain was a blood-thirsty pirate called Corpse Face because he looked as if he were deadā€¦

At first, P.P. Bridge was scared by the life the pirates lived, but after that he got used to smoking, drinking and all kind of orgies - he was then an orgyacā€¦

P.P. Bridge became a cynical (oops- just evil- cynicism requires intelligence), selfish, suckerish, idiotish pirate jerkoā€¦ One night he discovered something: the captain was eating a human armā€¦ P.P. Bridge took a kitchen knife, killed the captain (as much as a zombie could be killed) and threw him(the pirate, not the band of Ville Vallo) into the seaā€¦ That’s how he became captain of the TIMETANIC.

P.P. Bridge soon became well known by his cuteness, but mostly because he killed a lot of people and sank a lot of pirate shipsā€¦ He used to steel the victims’ hearts, although he never kept them, he made illicit trade with them, putting the base to the organ commerce nowadaysā€¦


Motto: Sic transit gloria mundiā€¦(cică)

Well, the way the stupid retarded died is well known to us thanks to the happy chronicle of Alexandra the Great. This famous, talented, intelligent, erudite (see antithesis) writer said that “on the deck, P.P. Bridge was tied with a rope and was about to get thrown in the sea. Nobody was going to save him, so he embraced the waves and died more or less heroically (for God’s sake, he was a pirate! He can’t go to heaven!)ā€

The fact is, the gossipers of the time say, that he got this punishment not just because he was a bloody fucking pirate, but also because the gods of fashion were mad at him for wearing stupid clothes, like an idiotish brown duck coat that looked like shit (properly) and sometimes used to wear a bonnet, a really stupid one, with red, pink, yellow and purple stripes that made all pirates look bad in the eyes of the world.


Motto: It impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious

Our beloved chronicler Alexandra the Great said that “As he was a pirate, he couldn’t have gone to heaven ā€“ he was so wicked!!! ā€“ so he was punished to remain a ghost until some suckerish, pitiful, innocent soul would save himā€¦

Well, it is actually well known that any ghost that respects itself must haunt something. What could P.P.Bridge haunt, the seas, to scare even more stupid pirates on restless nights of tempest? No, he was so evil that he thought he could successfully scare childrenā€¦

After almost 500 years ā€“ he was kind of a darkness fairy, a ghost of the sea in violent stormy nights ā€“ he got to the shore of the Black Sea, and in almost a year, he reached a little town in the mountains, that presented some interest, as it was said no ghost had ever haunted it. That little town was full of little, insignificant people, that had an only entertainment : to walk in the evening on a four meters long place in its center, full of pits ā€“ that town was named CUGIRā€¦

As he saw everybody here was walking on the “Twilight Zoneā€ in the evenings, he ( it would be more appropriate) submitted to the Universal Law of Human Gravitation and fathomed that piece of land. `

But the stinky ghost came back to Cugir because he hated Square Roots because, although he was sure that this time he had to be admitted the first in the Math School, he forgot that nowadays was something called Bac that he had to pass firstā€¦ And, if now he decided that radicals couldn’t affect his freedom, numbers proved to be to free for his narrow minded intelligenceā€¦.

Now, because the local horror folklore said that his natural enemy, the magical zebra called Hamster was in town (see the other most credible, important, exciting, truthful chronicle of all times, Luciana the Wise’s, yes, the one she read last time!), he decided to haunt the high-school just on Fridaysā€¦

Daivid Prodan (don’t think of Ixosul!) high-school was well known because there ruled a king of darkness, a famous highlander, who used to apply to the students the laws of the 1564th Scotland he was born inā€¦ His name was Duncan McLoud (gossipers said that he had sold his story for 25.000 $ to a Hollywood producer)ā€¦ The highscool was like a prison no one could get in or out during the classesā€¦ He scorned all modern music, except for “Princes of the Universeā€, Queen, that used to play whenever he showed up.

So, as he was haunting the high-school, he was kind of insecure because of the Hamster zebra that used to go to that high-school too, disguised as a human being. The ghost, that also looked human, used to hide behind a big plant and watch all the girls that passed byā€¦

Students, especially the ones from XA, that used to wait near the info lab behind the plant then, saw him, but no one suspected nothingā€¦ For God’s sake, how were those normal kids supposed to know that a fucking ghost was standing right near them?

The legend says that because of the bad customs he had had in life, he was now convicted to steel innocent soulsā€¦ And so he did, steeling them allā€¦ Late in the night, he used to get into people’s minds, controlling their dreams and watching them sleepā€¦ He did that to half of the town, but because he was so narrow minded, he just disturbed the brains of the smarter people, and fully controlled just the stupid girls who weren’t able to see his evil partsā€¦

The reason we do this work is because we saw him! But we were too smart to fell for his disguiseā€¦ and we kind of scared him away, although it all happened accidentally, when he heard us singing the new Marilyn Manson song, “The Nobodiesā€ in the bathroomā€¦

The truth is that now we managed to overcome the bad influence of the idiotish supersonic pirate ghost, unlike the majorityā€¦ Now we are working on a spell to complicate his life even more than he had done with oursā€¦ We know from Luciana’s magical zebra that the only to defeat the soul-eating ghost is to make him feel all the weight of his own stupidity and ignoranceā€¦ So we are going to do what we have to do: we will accomplish our sacred mission by gathering all our courage and entering his own land where we must do what we always do: discuss intelligent things that will make him feel idiot and than he will self-destructā€¦

Well, that’s about everything! But we promise to bring you more details in the future Chapter V: HUMANS (+ A ZEBRA) VS SPIRITS - THE FINAL BATTLE! (Motto: In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there).

The Temporary END

The Moral is: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

This would be an ironic description of ..wellā€¦I won’t tell you. not forget:

if you happen to see a guy that looks like him (remeber the coat and the bonnet) please call (me) now!!!

Just kidding, of courseā€¦

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